I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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