i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize