everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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