Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
