If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It's official drugs can't kill me
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The Olympian is in my bed
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