i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I fill condoms, not promises.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
