Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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