I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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