I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize