My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
