I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize