someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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