Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize