I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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