We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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