Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
you would pick up someone in the library
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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