I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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