my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
