I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
