My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
