I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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