OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize