Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
