Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
