o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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