It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
