grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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