what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
