I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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