There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
