I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
