Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
