Betty ford says i'm here all night
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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