but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
