she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
