i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
