I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
