Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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