dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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