Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
