Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He has the fingertips of a God
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
