Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
