Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Randomize
