I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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