He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize