do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
