It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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