I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I have already put on my inside pants.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
