Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
