honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize