if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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