i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
