so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
