I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
