I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
