I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize