In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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